What am i doing here?

amso what was i doing here? i really mean it. ive ended up in some places in my time but here i was at mission school in madrid, 6 months hardcore training. I mean me!? with the inappropriate jokes who battles with a love of cigerettes and alcohol, has so much baggage it has its own carosel and says it how it it (code for tactless and unrighteous) I ridden a wave of post australia ón fire for god´and had resigned to a place of knowing god´s awesome and contentedly leaving it at that. Believing all the while god was going to use me for some big thing because i confess him as saviour, have a love of travel and a manic caffine addicted personality!? had I somehow fooled myself into thining i was a visionary!? i was suddenly feeling out of my depth. I lost count of how many times i eyed up the bus stop and airport from the kitchen window while doing kitchen duty, it was much preferable to facing people with a language or personality barrier, I dont think ive ever felt so different from a group of people anywhere in all my life!

Now i know im not cut out for the alice band (oh the irony is im wearing a black soft one) calf length skirts and lack of make-up, but.....What am i doing here? i felt this was gods plan. I needed 2500 pounds and with less than a week to go someone gives me the full amount because god told them too. is it obligation as a christian or did she really hear god? i thknk she herd god, and i think im ment to be here, but i wont lie i think its one of the hardest things ive ever done.

Trouble is im so pig stuborn i think id stay out of pride and shear curiosity at this point (yeah right vic its day 5 and youve already legged it to a bar for the afternoon...(no boo´s or fags) although i cant say i didnt check the manual for loopholes, and despite finding one and staring the cigerette machine out, i have only consumed an unhealthy amount of sugar in the form of fanta and churros con chocolate, not the best advised mix (if your considering it))

The next few hours will make or break as we are going evangelizing tonight to people at the train station - yep coldcalling missionaries handing out hot chocolate to not doubt suspicious and cold communters while telling them about jesus...IM TERRIFIED! (see why am i here!?) its not that i dont belive in the product - jesus is mind blowing! he died on that cross for me! AND YOU! and those poor cold communters. dont know why im putting lack of coursge self respect or dignity before the importance of telling them about christ (for those of you who know me, shouldnt think youd be reading this if you dont but hope it a genuine good read and a giggle and you really do want to know jesus he died so you can have a relationship with god and be blameless, you can be in gods presence!) so where was i ah yes self respect rant....humm

well will let you know at what point i start wearing calf length skirts, or stop beliving in shaving my legs. or even have a proper conversation...do you think shy people can be missionaries? seems to go against the grain... ah well we shall see.