pull no punches

Yesterday was a day from, well it just wasnt a good combo: a night tossing and turning, combined with PMT and to boot - sports, football to be exact (or should i simply state a team sport, one you not only dont get to choose but one your rubbish at, your highly competative, (something that puts monica in the relms of mild)) followed after dinner with a choice of dance or drama. "what was the third option again?" i asked, much to the amusement of the team.

It was one of those days where i felt 14, i couldnt shake the anti-authority rebellion within, i prayed as i ran down the four flights of stairs, that god would sort out my head. having sat in bed and argued with him about simply not turning up but rather turning over, i knew i wouldnt rest if i didnt go.

I was getting cabin fever and when the day was out i legged it. I was starting to explore the neighbourhood more anbd more i knew the parks, the bars and cafes, and even libraries. So much time with the same people and always a timetable that accounted for every second of my day, i was questioning everything. My attitude, my heart, with so much time sticking your head in your bible it would be un-natural not to. was i being rebellious or was it natural for an independant 25 year old to feel confined and suffercated? Was i running or simply taking my space? It was only 10 days in and my moods swung wildly between loving this harcore in depth spiritual and intensely probing bible school and bolting. I mean this was school, authority timetable, and hours of lectures, study and workshops.

I was loving my bible, the books even the lectures but i tell you what: challenging and open heart surgery as people had described to me didnt come close. Today he lectured on pride, bitterness rebelion, resentment, occult and sexual imorality, materialism. like the titles arent personal enough, behind pride he went on to describe the masking of superiority or infereiorty complex that it masks, weakness or lack of identity, the inability to recognise potential and vitues. an inability to say ´no´ to people the need to do everything for everybody, the wrong motives and a focus on inability. that was just for starters. Bitterness leading to resentment, and hatred leading to rebellion a lack of forgiveness in self causes rejection adn disbelief of the father heart of god, a struggle to recieve his forgiveness, lack of love even to the point of self destruction in ones own life, and generating rebellion. traumatic experinces...the list went on each one detailing more than a title but what felt agonisingly like someone exposing your very core.

He asked us to look at how many of the 10 things finally covered you had had in your life and wanted to close, repent be forgiven and healed of, we had to admit out loud what topics you had struggled with and guess where we started..? yep back row on the end.

The second half of this overwhelming class was focussed on generosity of blessing and giving tything, going out into service with generosity, and obedience. looking at listening to god and hearing him on how to bless someone. A week ago it had been scary part of exercises to wait on god for hm to say something in an exercise and come back with a response but now it was the least of your thoughts. wait on god for who to bless and how, the matter being obedience.

People returned with teddy´s, bags, MP3 players but the biggest things were someone who came in with their precious SLR camera and lenses and felt god had told him to give them to one of the leaders, jona. jona actually cried, he and his wife had been praying for a camera and were hopping to buy one nothing like this though, there were more tears from both givers and recievers and someone gave a laptop. the tears on both parts.

I sat down gazing out the window of the tapas bar the smoke not appealing but too battered to move, i orderd a coffee and sat with a pen and paper to try and make sense of the last 10 days teaching the falling about in the spirit, the mentor sessions, the new small groups, the intense teaching my general reclusive and internalising state and not least but to take full advantage of not being at the base. finally a night off, i had scrubbed my name off the dinner list taken anything i could need for the next 6 hours and run out into the sunshine. I simply needed some time to proccess everything that had been thrown around. To pray and ask god to help me see the woods for the trees.

They certainly didnt pull any punches here.