on a mission....as a missionary.

In the last 24 hours i think i had gone through every emotion in the book, last night being a celebration of Rebeccas birthday and a general party together, it had been along time since i had found it so difficult to stay in a room full of people, i just couldnt settle and as the night wore on it was more and more uncomfortable. I knew i wouldnt be seeing some of these guys for a month especially my closest friend hannah, luckily my roomate christina was coming to india and by now I was comfortable with everyone else. there were so many things running round my head, all i wanted to do was leave get a drink and a cigerette, the night before missions vic sort your head out! i didnt go to a bar, or touch a ciggerette.

I hate goodbyes, this morning i stood there with a coffee in hand and said see you later to half the team, they were going to Bilbao in north spain for a week before heading out to morocco, they would be back two days after us too, like the place wasnt eerie enough today without them.
After lunch I headed into the park, beyond topping up my tan this was the last bit of alone time i would see for a month, short of getting up at 5am and going on the roof terrece I hear they have (not an impossible feat) I would be with a minimum of two other people for the next 30 days, coupled with the fact we had been advised sarcasm wasnt accepted or rather understood this would be a stretching of my personality to say the least. Still as I sorted clothes in the basement I thought back to indonesia and the kids there, once you had met them you would have thrown everything out of your backpack to make more room for stuff for them. It was time to forget about the alone time and focus on the month ahead, taking my quiet time in the morning would be imperative, without spending time with god it would be easy to forget why you were doing all this, what it was you were sharing and why you were going to sleep on a floor with 10 other people.

The last weeks teaching had motivated us to think about our testimonies, what had brought you to god? the changes a relationship with god had made. I had been on the road so many times before but this would be different in everyway. I was nervous and excited at the same time dying to get back to something that makes my blood race, travel, adventure, doing something proactive to help people, only difference was this time I would be going as a christian, not that I hadnt travelled before but I was actually going as a christian. I wanted god to use me. I had been focussed on the relief work when applying, it was easier to talk to people about for one thing, and cold evangelism was scary and had never appealed, how i ended up at mission school i dont know but last week something impacted me, the importance of people knowing christ.

Spanish ham & red wine

It had been a couple of weeks since he said he would call by and I was mentally dialling down the whole idea, he had said he would call me and two texts later i was feeling like anything more would be imposing myself on him when the man was clearly busy and maybe not that interested anyways.

But I went against every independant bone in my body and texted one last time, he phoned back and left a message, he had been out of madrid for medical reasons and wanted to see me before i left for india. I was extactic. I listened to his message about 3 times just to hear his voice, and went to see if the leaders would let me take a night off during the schedule.

I managed to narrow it down to being only 10 mins late this time including geting the bus a metro and finding out i was a 100 numbers down the main street at 9pm in heels.
It was a different restaurant with only about 10 tables in the whole place there was 6 sectioned off with posh white table cloths a waiter dressed like a butler and ornamentation that made it feel like the Ritz. The personal service by the owners was incredible and I have now sat at a table where the waiter swept the table between courses with some posh silverware implement.

He phoned my mum and announced that he 'was taking dinner with our daughter' my heart melted. It was incredible, We had a bottle of the best red wine I've ever tasted and ate traditional Spanish hams followed by steak while we talked about life, his work, the mission school and the future.

I hadn't wanted to bring up his family i felt it was his place to speak about them I didn't want him to feel pushed or invaded, i wanted him to feel safe and comfortable in this relationship that was forming. I didn't know whether to say your daughters or my sisters i couldn't remember all their names either so I couldn't even name them, It was he who brought up the conversation starting by refering to my sisters. He talked about talking me to the region where he's from, meeting his brother, and in the summer he was going to tell his oldest daughter about me and we would meet.

The strawberries and cream were almost as incredible as the night but sooner enough it was over until i got back from india, he was talking about days out even taking some of my friends along, and going to the football together. It was all rather like a dream. Its amazing.

The Bulldozer and the gospel

I was starting to get my head around last weeks teaching, and more than ready to go to India, adventure, being back on the road again, being active and outward looking, not being sat on my arse and looking at my belly button.

The weeks teacher was different from the rest he made Jon look timid, he was simply a bulldozer for Christ, in many ways how you imagine Paul to have been. He had an arrogant streak and something about him made you want to be a smart arse but you could help but respect him, he spoke the truth, the bottom line and challenged you on a point blank about your faith and what you were doing for Christ.

90% of evangelicals will never bring anyone to Christ in their lifetime, why do we call ourselves evangelicals then? if you claim to live in him you must walk as jesus did. If your favourite shop had a 90% sale on would you not phone everyone in your mobile address list? if you knew there was a bomb in a buliding would you not go and tell everyone? When you receive good news do you not go and tell everyone you know? if you love someone don't you want them to have the best things you discover? why can we evangelise about an amazing restaurant or new flavor of ice-cream but we are scared of being thought wierd and rejected over jesus, your saviour, your relationship with god, the peace of the holy spirit!?

Before you run off to to evangelise, what is a christian? and what are the top world view questions? who am I? What does it mean to be human? why does god allow suffering, evil etc? What am I here for? what is the nature of the world - Cause and effect, what happened to it? what can be done about it? how to cope - issue of salvation? And what do we say back....god loves you and has a plan for you...and man is sinful and separated from god, you can receive him and experience god. It may be true but it doesn't answer a single one of their questions, its simply an 'agree to this and say the prayer and your 'in'' mentality.

Easy believism: 'jesus is here to make your life better' coming from a humanistic attitude. jesus is not a self improvement seminar. Its not all about you its about God! Why dont we talk about creation, the fall or what living in a fallen world means, we dont ever explain that sin gives authority to Satan, (are we simply scared of sounding like a nutter by mentioning the devil?) The cross was gods price, in giving free will to man, he knew that could mean giving his son and why? because the wages of sin are death. An what is our price? Giving your life to Jesus to be in relationship with god. you were created to be in relation with him and bring others to know him.

We all know the verse 'for god so loved the world he gave his only son so that all who believed in him may not die but have eternal life'. Well eternal life is not about living forever, its knowing the only true god and Jesus Christ and when it talks about the 'lost' it refers to those who dont know god. Sin is broken relationship with god, living separated from the original purpose that god has for you.

I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes (Rom 1v16)

Theology headspin

Last week had been different, teaching on the holy spirit it hadn't had the craziness one might expect of people laughing crying or falling about in the spirit, but rather some head messing theology, I wasn't used to it and it made my mind spin, what did i believe and why? who had taught it did i believe conflicting things, what did the bible say, and had i seen things that were just people rather than of god? as one teacher had pointed out you can make most things fit in the bible if you take a verse out of context. I was hungry for truth, why were things were so complicated, did it all make sense? why wasn't it simple? I wanted to know if i was going to tell people about Jesus was there really so much other stuff to complicate it along the way.

Did the holy spirit live in you or upon you? did you just think he lived in you? had you ever had baptism of the holy spirit? was it cut and dry that you didn't have the holy spirit if you hadn't been baptised in him or was he with you? was it the spirit of Christ that gave the fruits of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience,goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control, or did I think it was unequivocally the holy spirit? was john Elijah that was prophesied in the old testament or did he just have the spirit of Elijah on him? why could i except the existence of the holy spirit but struggled about the spirit of Elijah being on someone? the laying on of hands to impart gifts, did i believe that someone had to lay their hands on you and pray for you to have spiritual gifts, the manifestations of the holy spirit? and could everybody really speak in tongues and prophesy even if it wasn't their gifting?

Hannah and I sat Sunday night in the Moroccan bar but instead of falling around laughing we took the week's notes and every bible Scripture given and went through everything with a tooth comb, the feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated slid away as we searched for the truth. maybe it was the manc in me but I didn't easily trust everything anyone taught, i flitted between feeling like a rebellious cynic and the 'test everything' in Thessalonians. Studying to get to the bottom of everything and asking god to reveal the truth was the only way.

But someone wisely reminded me of something jesus had said

29"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one.^[e] 30Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.'^[f] 31The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'^[g]There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12 v 29-31

So I would push on and keep asking god to show me the truth, and in the meantime this weeks teacher on evangelism would keep the rest of my mind occupied, this guy was a bulldozer for Christ he had such a passion to see people saved it would be an interesting week, but India would be a welcome break from sitting on my arse and having my beliefs, thoughts, relationship with god and self-image tested. India would bring a whole new set of challenges of its own, not least not being allowed to be on your own for over a month. we leave saturday....just needed to buy 10 packs of immodium and i would be ready.

park life

Retiro park possibly one of the best parks in the world, lakes roman colonades, drummers, posers, mimers funny shaped trees Victorian glass houses and waterfalls. This was the heart of Madrid, and we were there for the day to talk to people about god. - scary? just slightly.

Armed with coffee, guitars a couple of tables and chess sets, we headed to the lake, a sign saying free prayer not to be confused with the parks many palm readers, card readers, heather selling gypsies and harry krishners. it was an eclectic mix but a bunch of Christians in high spirits singing some decent worship tunes handing out free latte and offering prayer attracted people all day, the range of conversations varied from the aggressive to those needing prayer to those giving their lives to Christ right there and then.

I walked over to a guy doing a kids snake thing, his puppet snake costume didn't hide his tired eyes as i offered him a coffee his face didn't really brighten, he was by trade a circus performer with by all accounts decent acts but the police didn't like him doing on them. He inquired what we were doing i told him about our plans for the day, for India his response was cutting 'why cant you leave those people alone? they don't need your help' my reply was that washing feeding and clothing street kids, showing them a bit of gods love in a practical way was i'm sure welcome help, showing people here in Madrid a bit of gods love worship music, offering prayer and as i nodded to his coffee free hot drinks were always a blessing to people on a surprisingly cold day' he couldn't argue. He was annoyed at something so I didn't prod but wished him a good day and left.

I couldn't rest though something about him kept bugging me so after praying with a friend about various people the group were speaking with, the coffee started to run out, i took one over and waited patiently for a break in his snake act the kids were loving. He stalled i could tell he didn't want to speak to me again, he used his snake to tell the kids to wait as he desperately foregged in his bag for some music. I prayed ' god your will be done, overrule this situation if you want me to stick around and speak to him' he gave up trying to work the music system and started to sing - badly and looking rather bonkers the crowd dispersed and i walked over with the coffee. He was flustered as he tried to put the snake back in the costume, 'the coffees running out thought you might like one before its gone,' 'do ya reckon i could get 'em to worship this in India then!?' he quipped, what do they want your western god for when they have thousands?' 'theres only one god who gives you true peace. can i pray for anything for you?' his face changed, ' I don't believe in anything out of my own, my own, erm..' 'capability' i finished 'capability, thank you' " well if you change your mid i'm just over there, your welcome to come over for a chat or if there is anything i can pray for you, if not have a good day and enjoy the coffee.' 'his face softened the defenses dropped and looking slightly perplexed he muttered 'thank you'.

I later spoke to a guy who said he knew god he didn't believe, it made no sense even in Spanish without translation, the guy said he spoke to spirits, he intrigued me. I got into conversation with him at the end, i wish i hadn't wasted the hour previous being bored. I was dying to know why this guy thought what he thought, his image of god was sad it was disapointed, i wish id had time to go deeper, He showed me some aramaic writting and gave me a little on a sheet he couldnt translate what he believed but this scribble was ment to mean something, i was dying to give him one one my drawings and write a scripture on the back but they were all too personal.
something about him kept me thinking so i would pray for him and if it was gods will i would meet him again and if not hopefully a bunch or happy Christians would make him think that maybe there was something to god that could bring joy. Maybe im just nieve, but there is something to jesus that you cant get anywhere else, face to face evangelism was terrifying but talking to someone really really about what you believed was fasinating.

the one with the well

It was sunday, saturday I had yet again made the mistake of staying at the base as I went through the weeks notes, the things that had been doug up resounded round my mind. I sat frustratedly looking out the window at the rain.

Sunday night I had made the effort to go out with everybody and not be exlusive but groups and decisions werent a compatible mix. As they headed out of the pizza bar the real madrid game continued and i headed in the other direction, i craved alone time and to explore the streets of alcala again, i wanted to head for the bar with the well, the one with the quirky light fitting and gorgeous old wood beams, somewhere that was my escape normally with hannah and i wasnt about to tell the others about .

As i sat looking around I pulled my notebook out and started to write in my normal sarcastic and slightly bridget jones style, but stopped and started to speak to god, craving peace not the turmoil that was inside, I wrote my conversation with him as we conversed.

I left the bar feeling calm, and like he was there beside me, the streets were beautiful in the night air as i headed back to the base for the next week, treasuring my alone time and freedom, god was good and his peace was better than any else I could run to, no matter how good i was at running, just had to get used to putting into practice talking to him instead of running off.

kilometre zero

The physical madness of this week was pushing last week away as we cleaned the streets told testimonies in Madrid gave away coffee in the park and tonight would be dancing and doing dramas in the street, in front of people, people with eyes.

It was a mad week with no routine we had done free windscreen washing in Torrejon centre although its easy to see why early missionaries made mistakes i wondered what the ratio of blessed to scared people had been as we grew in confidence and stormed cars in a bid to clean them before the lights changed.

Some of the others had given their testimony in sol the main plaza in Madrid where every main road came to and where every km in Spain was measured from so hence the name kilometre zero. An evangelistic organisation had taken the name and preached there every week night at 8. It was this very group i had herd the last time we had gone to Madrid amongst the madness of thinking about my dad I had been struck by a girl i had herd preaching but she was different there was no 'your all going to hell talk' you so often here condemning people whether pastors of murderers, there was no 'end i nigh' talk either she had simply talked about the love of god and a relationship with him. It had been the first time i had herd someone talk in the street about Jesus with no cringe factor, was my perspective changing or was it simply refreshing truth?

There were five people who prepared to give their testimony I didn't do it, the idea of face to face evangelism terrified me, the idea of being a the front or middle of a room where people could hear or see me terrified me so how i was about to stand on a big red box in the cities main square was beyond me....maybe one day.

I talked to a couple of people, one guy was from the Philippines and we got chatting he had asked me what i was doing in Spain and i told him a little, i didn't mention my dad, why would i that was private but i felt a strange urge to tell him, like i should and so i told him, as i did so his eyes widened. He had a 3 year old daughter and was terrified the mother was moving to England and he would never see her again. As we talked i reassured him that if he wanted to be a part of her life he wouldn't loose contact, that she was his daughter and somewhere inside she would always have a desire to know her father. I wasn't 'soul winning' as they call it but it was speaking directly into someones worst fear, which was good.