Mi Padre

It had been three months, part of me didnt believe that he was that guy, his words were so warm his face so full of love, it wasnt that he wasnt genuine it was that he had made decisions in his life which as a result trapped him into one course of action, out of which, the only other choice would wreck everything in his life. I was a fleeting presence and role for which there was no contest, once i got on that plane he would be left with whatever life was before i showed up, it simply wasnt worth the trade off.

I wondered whether i was completely stupid for coming out here, everyone said i was so brave, did they mean they wouldnt be so stupid? would no-one else take the risk of getting this kind of hurt, why would they. I looked back in my life... i had traced him when i was a teenageer, i had come out here, i was the one calling. was i brave or just dumb? But this time, tonight i cried out to God to be here in this, knowing God, doesnt take away the hurt of things, being in relationship with God doesnt mean life is always sweet and easy, it means that you turn to God when there not. You can call on God - the God of the universe to speak to, to comfort you, to walk with whether things are amazing or utterly crap.

I had learned in the last 6 months to seperate things going wrong, with my relationship with God, in the past everytime something got you mad or hurt, i cut my relationship with God, like someone giving you a hug when your about to cry i would push him away by simply cut off, i think most people do this, but now i had learnt to let God be the one to colapse on not the one to cut out as a way of ignoring the pain.

A year ago i would have left the room if someone had preached on the father heart of God i and when i knew enough people in church that it had become an obsticle course of people who cared and would leave to come check you were ok i would simply sit a glaze over. But here i had learned how to face dissapointment, acknowledge it and cry out to God, to break your heart before him, to see him as a father. not to harden your heart when you herd that, because of your own experiences of a father but realise that he was the ultimate father, the precident that the perfect father role was based on.


In my mums words I had to enjoy the times i had had together with my dad, accept him for the man he was and show him kindness, he didnt mean to hurt me, it was simply a result of bad desicions. Goyo had said as we graduated the only piece of advice he had was make good decisions, always choose jesus. So maybe it was better this way that tonight i wouldnt see him, as much as i wanted closure how tormentedly difficult would dinner across from him have been, listening to more promises that wouldnt be, sitting there giving God the bitterness and hoping that he would give me the words to tell this man about jesus? to show him kindness and just enjoy his company, i would never know which way would have been harder, but i had a feeling watching the hours slip away or going out with the girls would never come close.

Soon i would be home, among friends and on the road to building hopefully some of the visions in my head, to get trained in areas i wanted to know and gain skills. To work with people and maybe design, to somehow glorify God in life, help people in whatever area of the world i was.



Why did i write on this? such a personal subject, so full of emotions for the world to read? because i want to give glory to god, right now tonight i want to say he is awesome when things are amazing and he is awesome when things are not.