commentaries & perspective

So it was about time i should write something, i was aware contacting home was slowing trying to get back into some routine here before we left for Valencia in a week, that would be it, when we returned we would have a week before graduating the school and into the abyss once again of the ´what now?´.

The week of evangelism hadn't been much routine, and next weeks preparations would prove I'm sure to be the same, this weeks classes on studying the bible it was non threatening, good stuff, it was refreshing to find that in the last four months i had started discovering some of the things myself. Using a bible commentary, a book that explains each passage and its relevant contents, i don't know how id read the bible without one, just glazing over stuff you didn't understand that had such cultural significance it completely changed passages and turned symbolic imagery into linked prophecy and small comments into huge gestures. Revelation blew my mind the first time in fact i gave my life to god reading a king James version 5 years ago but the thought of reading it again i was a little nervous, it took two days and reading it with a commentary it was incredible.

I hadn't seen my dad since returning, he was busy, this time of year was the busiest period of his work, and next week we would see whether that was the truth or just a way out. People had all given there opinion, something when you process and dissect things from all angles i had learnt starts to build into a huge bank of stuff that you end up wading through before you reach your own feelings on the matter, on the one hand he was simply busy, his job and its timing i had to keep in perspective he was working flat out and it would soon slow down his deadlines would pass, and we could meet more and continue to get to know one another, his words would be true and this would be a gaping hole of paranoia that would be proved wrong and i would build some trust there. I would meet one of my half sisters and we would go up north to show me his roots.

The other side was that he was too busy, i had come hoping to build a relationship and he wouldn't tell his wife about me, he was busy each week, communication slowed and he may have layed claim to me in words but not action, He was too busy to see me, was it that he had seen me and walked clean away? that's it the big fear, the biggest fear humans walk through life with, the lie that your not good enough, or that people will see you for all you are and walk if not run away. I had come to Spain with the expectation of meeting him the attitude that I was 25 I didn't need a dad, so what had changed? he´d said some stuff that melted my heart things i hadn't realised i had been dying to hear and when they don't come you harden your heart and pretend it doesn't matter.

The community meeting talk had been on personal disappointment, it was one of those times you sit in a room and wonder why they were wasting everyones time, it might as well have your name on it, by the end i just wanted her to stop talking. But it made me face the disappointments head on, realise i should stop listening and dwelling on everyone Else's opinions of things, (i know it in theory but find it hard not to practice) take my feelings and go to god, asking him for his perspective, as one who knows all people and knows you so well, why waste your energy going round like a washing machine over unproductive thought patterns, believing the lies and insecurities we live under, using situations as compounding evidence and pushing people away in presumption of their actions. why don't we turn to god? you know when you do you, you experience his peace, why do we hold onto stuff? he loves us, he wants to reassure us, and give us perspective so why instead do we hold onto these things and let bitterness fester, excusable rebellion, and dislocate relationships that support us?

Gods love wasn't empty, it was the precedent of father, a year ago if someone had preached on the father heart of god i would have left the room, but now even now with all that was going on i could see that god was the ultimate father, before the fall, the relationship of father -the way things were meant to be, faultless and blameless and never hollow, never unpredictable or untrustworthy, god was god, and always there.

I was learning to worship even when it hurt, I was slowly but surely learning that my relationships with people reflected where i was at with god, I was learning to place my identity in god and his love....for real, so many times i had learnt to place my identity in god, even telling people what i had learnt while re-placing it in something else. I was learning rebellion wasn't excusable when you hurt, you didn't need it, it was still a choice its just your hurt was a scape goat and all it did was take you further away from the peace and satisfaction of God. far from perfect, righteous or holy i was learning that I loved god and that i wanted to know him more.