finally

It had been a week already, it had flown, God had answered my prayer i was loving it, not only for the freedom and the beach 5 mins away, but each night the worship was awesome, the dances and dramas looked good, people were coming to God almost daily and i was actually enjoying racing round giving flyers to people about jesus. I was finally in a place with God where it didnt matter what people thought except that somehow we could point the way to jesus to what he had done so they could know God.

Thursday we went out and we were dancing as our drummers joined the local african guys drumming jimbay drums on the beachfront, sober i was dancing my heart out, we danced whooped laughed and used the opportunity to hand out more flyers, followed by night swimming, all at full moon, very different from fullmoon parties of the past, but as i looked up and thought of th past few years it was finally starting to feel right - this way, I may not have enjoyed parts of the last few months but God had done so much in me, as I sat and watched one of our dances on the street with world flags, i was proud to be a part of this i was proud to be on the street talking about, and dancing for jesus.

On the street

Last night was the first night on the street, I wasn´t excited, I wasn´t even sure what I was doing here. As we arrived to the part of the beach we were going to set up, I looked across at the beach bar, with designer deck chair styled seats and cocktail and beer drinking crowd, then over to the black ´MOLA´t-shirt wearing crowd setting up ready to perform and talk about Jesus. I was going to be on the otherside to normal, a wave of fear came over swept over me and I headed for the edge of the beach to sort my head out. I prayed.

God, help me to do this, help' me to have a passion for your name, give ma a passion for spreading the gospel, its the most important thing in the world and I dont have a passion for it. God, help me.´The scripture 32 “Everyone who acknowledges me publicly here on earth, I will also acknowledge before my Father in heaven. 33 But everyone who denies me here on earth, I will also deny before my Father in heaven. came to mind, ´God I dont want to acknowledge you only so you will acknowledge me, I want to acknowldge you and tell people about you because I love you and youve stuck with me, your always there, I want to acknowledge you because your amazing! God, I want to, want to do this - I WANT TO, WANT TO DO THIS! please help me.´

I went and worshiped god with all my heart last night, looking up at the setting sky and worshiped jesus. I hoped people would se the joy that Jesus brings and see for real - I hoped it would break the pre-conceptions of religiosity and boringness of church & God. I was actually impresed with our dances and dramas! they looked good. we were in good spirits even handing out tracts at the end I ran alongside joggers and cyclists I was grinning and and cheeky until they took one, some of the others found a shopping trolly and pushed each other round, there was so much joking and dancing it was great, I hoped people could see we were normal people who just had a relationship with God - but more than that, that it would break the preconceptions that it was BORING!

valencia

There were 70 of us sleeping in this church, but the beach was about 100m away and the puerto rican team were all very nice, the food was good so far and the daily jobs were pretty easy going. I had two choices, focus on the things i hated and why on earth was i here, or the good things....for the next four weeks i would be polyanna.

My tan would come up nice and maybe i would get past all the issues about performing and get to a place where i could share my faith with people: why God is mindblowing, without being concerned with what they thought of me, or whether i could dance in the street. Fact was, jesus is amazing, in my life when ive not run in the opposite direction but actually stopped and listened to the still small voice of God, i have calmed and things have always worked out. He knows me inside out, i want to tell people about God, about what Jesus did so they could be close to him its just the evangleism stuff that gets in the way ;)

return to the base

Monday was not my favourite day, lentils for lunch, salad for dinner and hours of learning and perfecting evangelistic dances and all on about 2 hours sleep. Sunday night we would be in valencia a city on spains east coast not far from Alicante, Santiago Calatravas architecture, miles of beach and despite the tourists still a mainly spainsh city. We would be there for a month long outreach like india, evangelistic dances, dramas and testimonies, going out and speaking to people about god, your relationship with him and where they were at - in sort terrifying stuff.

What was different about telling people about god in a western country? was there any difference? would it be harder than india? is it easier to do it in countries so different from your own and if so why!? i would im sure find out the answers to all these and more, but for now it ment hours of practicing dramas and dances, some of which i didnt like. If the church was going to use secular things as tools of evangelism then they need to look flippin impressive, theres nothing good or street stopping about mediocure of silly moves. but beyond that was the issue of being at the front, yes lots of people not only able to see you - but watching everything, literally your every move! secondly the thought of messing up infront of people looking, and thirdly the thought that even if you did it all perfect the dance may not look good before you go out into the crowd and talk to complete strangers about where they were at with god! i was fixing my thoughts on the fact id be near a beach, the fact that there was 6 weeks left and praying for god to use me, change my attitude and my focus!

costa blanca

The train was at four and we pulled into the mile long ticket que at 3.30, it made no odds that a couple gave us their que ticket, the next available seat was at 8pm, but not discouraged in our weekend break we headed to Huertas our favourite part of Madrid. Hannah and I were taking our one weekend away to meet a friend of mine on the costa blanca, and the weekend started now, outside our favourite jazz bar we passed the time with a beer and later boarded one of spains long distance trains, its seats more like business class than chicken coup and its food carriage looked more like a local tapas bar.

we pulled into Alicante at midnight and we left no choice but to pay the 55 Euro taxi to the town down the coast, but it was worth it, the sleepy little town that happened to have a fiesta going.
Saturday we roasted and after branding ourselves with a sun tan at the water park headed into Benidorm. The tacky tourist city sits proudly on the beach but beyond the Brits abroad and topless grannies we found aspects of the place to be quite nice. paddling along the gorgeous beach and having drinks at the top of the headland looking back over the bay.

About to board our Sunday night train, it appeared our return ticket was not so return as one way, removing my flip-flops and legging down the station I jumped the que to find no-one could help the train was full. We headed across town to the bus station, in part excited by the prospect of having a night unavoidably stuck in Alicante and a few more hours of beach, but praying we could get back before class the next day, it would not be looked upon well to return monday after class so close to another outreach trip.

Our 1am bus would get us in at 6am and leave us a couple of hours to see Alicante, as we whooped, splashed as screamed down the beach in delight, kicking water and generally soaking ourselves under the setting sun we found a small bar at the end of the beach, cocktails in hand, and getting text updates from our friends for the Real Madrid final, it was the most perfect end to the most incredible weekend.

commentaries & perspective

So it was about time i should write something, i was aware contacting home was slowing trying to get back into some routine here before we left for Valencia in a week, that would be it, when we returned we would have a week before graduating the school and into the abyss once again of the ´what now?´.

The week of evangelism hadn't been much routine, and next weeks preparations would prove I'm sure to be the same, this weeks classes on studying the bible it was non threatening, good stuff, it was refreshing to find that in the last four months i had started discovering some of the things myself. Using a bible commentary, a book that explains each passage and its relevant contents, i don't know how id read the bible without one, just glazing over stuff you didn't understand that had such cultural significance it completely changed passages and turned symbolic imagery into linked prophecy and small comments into huge gestures. Revelation blew my mind the first time in fact i gave my life to god reading a king James version 5 years ago but the thought of reading it again i was a little nervous, it took two days and reading it with a commentary it was incredible.

I hadn't seen my dad since returning, he was busy, this time of year was the busiest period of his work, and next week we would see whether that was the truth or just a way out. People had all given there opinion, something when you process and dissect things from all angles i had learnt starts to build into a huge bank of stuff that you end up wading through before you reach your own feelings on the matter, on the one hand he was simply busy, his job and its timing i had to keep in perspective he was working flat out and it would soon slow down his deadlines would pass, and we could meet more and continue to get to know one another, his words would be true and this would be a gaping hole of paranoia that would be proved wrong and i would build some trust there. I would meet one of my half sisters and we would go up north to show me his roots.

The other side was that he was too busy, i had come hoping to build a relationship and he wouldn't tell his wife about me, he was busy each week, communication slowed and he may have layed claim to me in words but not action, He was too busy to see me, was it that he had seen me and walked clean away? that's it the big fear, the biggest fear humans walk through life with, the lie that your not good enough, or that people will see you for all you are and walk if not run away. I had come to Spain with the expectation of meeting him the attitude that I was 25 I didn't need a dad, so what had changed? he´d said some stuff that melted my heart things i hadn't realised i had been dying to hear and when they don't come you harden your heart and pretend it doesn't matter.

The community meeting talk had been on personal disappointment, it was one of those times you sit in a room and wonder why they were wasting everyones time, it might as well have your name on it, by the end i just wanted her to stop talking. But it made me face the disappointments head on, realise i should stop listening and dwelling on everyone Else's opinions of things, (i know it in theory but find it hard not to practice) take my feelings and go to god, asking him for his perspective, as one who knows all people and knows you so well, why waste your energy going round like a washing machine over unproductive thought patterns, believing the lies and insecurities we live under, using situations as compounding evidence and pushing people away in presumption of their actions. why don't we turn to god? you know when you do you, you experience his peace, why do we hold onto stuff? he loves us, he wants to reassure us, and give us perspective so why instead do we hold onto these things and let bitterness fester, excusable rebellion, and dislocate relationships that support us?

Gods love wasn't empty, it was the precedent of father, a year ago if someone had preached on the father heart of god i would have left the room, but now even now with all that was going on i could see that god was the ultimate father, before the fall, the relationship of father -the way things were meant to be, faultless and blameless and never hollow, never unpredictable or untrustworthy, god was god, and always there.

I was learning to worship even when it hurt, I was slowly but surely learning that my relationships with people reflected where i was at with god, I was learning to place my identity in god and his love....for real, so many times i had learnt to place my identity in god, even telling people what i had learnt while re-placing it in something else. I was learning rebellion wasn't excusable when you hurt, you didn't need it, it was still a choice its just your hurt was a scape goat and all it did was take you further away from the peace and satisfaction of God. far from perfect, righteous or holy i was learning that I loved god and that i wanted to know him more.

faithful

The weekly journal comprised of notes from the weeks lectures/activities and researching an attribute of god, with biblical references and dictionary definitions. this week I looked at faithful, whether your a christian or not just look at this definition of the word and synonyms and imagine a relationship with god when his love is like this.

Faithful:
strict or thorough in the performance of duty, true to one's word, promises, vows, etc. steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant: faithful friends. reliable, trusted, or believed. adhering or true to fact, a standard, or an original.

True, devoted, staunch. Constant, loyal imply qualities of stability, dependability, and devotion. Faithful implies long-continued and steadfast fidelity to whatever one is bound to by a pledge, duty, or obligation: a faithful friend. Constant suggests firmness and steadfastness in attachment: a constant affection. Loyal implies unswerving allegiance to a person. precise, exact.
affectionate, allegiant, attatched, behind one, confiding, devoted, enduring, fast, firm, genuine, honest, incorruptable, loving, reliable, steady, true, unchanging, unswerving. (dictionary.com thesaurus)

The bible tells us gods love and faithfullness are demonstrated by loving thousands, forgiving their wickedness, rebellion and sin (exodus 34 v6-7) isnt that mindblowing! that faithfullness described above is gods love even when we sin, even when we are rebellious, gods love is unchanging it doesnt dent, it doesnt retract or shut down, it doesnt self proctect or leave.

carpe diem?

We arrived back to rain and clouds, the girls headed off to Barcelona leaving me with use of a washing machine, laptop, bathroom and room to myself, other than the comatosed state of exhaustion it was bliss.


I waited in the airport for Hannah and the rest of the Moroccan team to arrive back like a little kid, over the next few days we head out to Huertas the writers district of Madrid with its funky jazz bars and little streets, plazas and typically Spanish restaurants and pavement cafe scene, this was the ´northern quarter´ of Madrid.

After the the following weeks teaching, Hannah and I headed to Segovia an old city with beautiful streets cathedrals and castles, it felt a little like the truman show that you would hit the edge and find a door out. Spain was gorgeous, and after a days wandering we finished with a few sangrias, best ive ever had too, not bad for a euro.

This week was evangelism again, cant say I was too enthused, I dont want to do evangelism - i just want to tell people about jesus, there was something about walking straight upto people and interupting their life to tell them your view, maybe it was the british in me but i hated approaching people. I never thought id be one of those people with tracts, one of the leaders when asked if he´d used them said "yeah, ive used them, ive also had to save people from them" We walked upto a few people, some older spaniards, they were very closed. We walked on disheartened and approached some teenage girls, to be honest if id have been them id have thought the same, id have though we were harry krishners or something, we lacked enthusiasm warmth or general people skills as we handed them some tracts adn tried to ask them how they were doing. It was bad we were discouraged and lacking in confidence. we sat down to pray, why were we doing this?, taking it back to basics what was so mindblowing in your relationship with god that made you stand on a street corner or approach complete strangers and bring a conversation out of nowhere which leads to god? ok god was going to have a huge part of it, infact all the credit has to go to god, but how and why were we willing to put ourselves out there for him to do it?

we discussed our fears, feelings and excitement about god, prayed and headed back trying to approach people as we did, we returned to meet the others and listenened to their stories of how they had told the gospel to people or prayed with them, and headed home wondering what we were doing.

The following afternoon we had some time to relax following some hard manual labour on a churches renvations and expansion, Guillihermo a crazy brazilian guy who cant help but tell people about jesus anywhere and everywhere we go (especially as we are just heading off home!) was walking with us and wanted to approach a young couple on a nearby bench, I stayed back not fully joining him but not leaving either. He started talking to the guy who turned out to be morrocan, Guillihremo chatted away having just been to morrocco himself, but but didnt mess around the conversation was about god pretty quick, i thought he´d hand him a tract and we´d be on our way but no, slowly I moved closer til I was partly in the conversation, still shy in my spainsh i listened. But the conversation came round to carpe diem ´seize the day´ and living the moment, my heart started beating fast, they were like me 8 years ago, partying and not caring about much, but i knew more partying than they may ever know and i knew nothing would satisfy like god, there was a peace and a joy that satisfied beyond any sex, drugs or drink. Cotty had also hung back but stayed at a distance until now, I turned and asked her to translate me, I would only end up frustrated if I tried to unsuccesfully say what I was dying to say. I gave my testimony. I did it I told someone the relivant truth about jesus and what i knew of him, how my life had changed. It wasnt for me to change their life but for the holy spirit to, I had done what he needed me to do and all that was left was to pray for them and hope that god could or had used my words somehow, that someday they would remember them and turn to god and find out for themsleves what he was like.